I Thought it Would be Different

I thought our first rehearsal for Brighton Beach would be. . . different, to say the least. After all, we're playing a family, so we should at least act like one, right? Act like one even if we're not all completely happy with each other or we feel the absence of people that should be there. People that are part of the family. Not the Mob kind of family, I realize this has creepy undertones, but it's just sad for now. I have faith that things will change, I keep telling myself that and I do believe that. It wasn't terrible, but it should have been different.

I also thought that being in high school and doing somewhat grown-up things like meeting friends for dinner alone (no, not completely grown-up, I realize, but I've been obliviously and unintentionally coddled for 15 years) would seem more, I don't know, monumental. Like a rite of passage or something. But people get in the way and we must spend the entire time sorting out our feelings about them instead of just enjoying our age and freedom. It's impossible for other people not to get to you in high school.

I guess thought that driving in my best friends car for the first time would be more fun, but when we both had trying things preoccupying us, we just had to attempt and help each other through.

And I ultimately thought coming home to my family would make me feel so important. Not like Look, I don't need you important, but Yeah, I'll be able to get along on my own someday important. But, I am severely alarmed at the fact that I could not go 12 hours without starting to miss my mom. And all I wanted to do when I came home was hole up in my room and read Slyvia Plath, because we all know she had it worse.

So I guess I will, along with the actual responsibilities I do have. I'm feeling sick.